Sad But True


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As I am holding my five foot boa constrictor, Bunny…

Expert: “You got to feed them things goats ya know”

Maria: Sir, this boa is far too small to eat a goat.

Expert: No, I saw it on TV once.

Maria: Perhaps you saw a larger breed like an anaconda but goats would be unusual and not possible for a boa this size.

Expert: You don’t know what your talking about I saw it on animal planet.

Maria: Yes sir, please forgive my stupidity

 

Moving on…

Expert: I had one of those and it was 25 feet long

Maria: I am sure it was big but God doesn’t make boa constrictors that get to be 25 feet long. Perhaps you had a Burmese Python. (I’m thinking that’s even pushing it…”

Expert: It did. And the zoo paid me $300.00 for it since it was so unusual. It ate only lettuce.

Maria: I am glad you found a home for your “pet” but are you sure lettuce? Boas are carnivores and only eat meat.

Expert: No the zoo even said this was the strangest thing they ever seen and gave me thousands of dollars for him. (I thought he just said $300…)

Maria: Yes sir please forgive my stupidity

 

How about this one…

Expert: Why is that snake so small?

Maria: He’s not small. This is a full-grown adult Ball Python

Expert: I saw them on TV and they get to be 30 feet long... you don’t feed that enough.

Maria: Perhaps you misunderstood me but this is a Ball Python not a reticulated or Burmese and this is a full grown adult. They average 5-6 feet at best.

Expert: No, I saw it on TV you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Maria: Yes sir please forgive my stupidity.

 

Maria: please don’t squeeze the Snake.

Expert: Why?

Maria: (stunned that anyone would ask why) It could hurt him, I can’t tell how hard you are squeezing him.

Expert: So…(as he tries to squeeze my snake again…)

Maria: SECURITY!!! Get this guy out of here now.

 

Expert: The music scares them.

Maria: Thank you for your concern however snakes do not have external ears. The music is not as loud to them as some may think.

Expert: They do have ears I saw them! (She is yelling at me now) they are little ears that go backwards and you have to look close to see them. I know I worked with snakes before

Maria: Yes maam' please forgive my stupidity.

 

Expert: You should put him around your neck

Maria: I hold him in front to allow people to pet him. Up on this platform if I had him around my neck no one could reach him.

Expert: Your just scared to. You’re afraid he’ll squeeze you to death

Maria: He is a corn snake sir. He would not have the strength or size to hurt me.

Expert: You have to take the fangs out to do this right?

Maria: No, Corn Snakes do not have fangs.

Expert: You have to take their fangs out because they’re poisonous.

Maria: These snakes have no poison or fangs. Their bite is so small a Band-Aid would be all the medical attention needed.

(He turns to his friends and says) Expert: She had the fangs removed…

(Help me)

 

This is so common I just feel sad for the future of the world…

Expert: That snake is so small

Maria: He is the perfect size for a snake this age.

Expert: No, I’ve seen them and there much bigger like 20 feet.

Maria: This snake is only 6 years old, they do not hatch at 20-foot lengths

Expert: Oh…

Expert: You have to feed that live rats right?

Maria: Thanks for asking but no, I have never feed a live rat to my pet snakes. They all get pre-killed food that is frozen and defrosted to insure safety and…(He interrupts)

Expert: She doesn’t know what she’s Fuckin’ talking about, you gotta feed em live. They won’t eat dead food cause it won’t hear it move since its got bad eyes.

I'm speechless...

 

Another pure Jerk

Expert: My girlfriend is scared of snakes, bring yours over here and scare her.

Maria: I know that sounds like fun but I don’t want to scare anyone, have her come over here and maybe I can talk to her and help her get over her phobia.

Expert: Let me take it then.

Maria: I don’t want to scare anyone and I never give my snakes to unqualified strangers.

Expert:: Don’t be such a bitch!

Marie: Is she your girlfriend?

Expert: yes.

Maria: Fine, let’s go (We walk over to her I quickly hand my snake to my assistant and I say to her) Your boyfriend here just grabbed my ass… (I walk away and enjoy the fight from a safe distance)

 

This will kill ya. A guy said this to my assistant who stands guard next to me

Expert: She looks scared of that thing, you should give it to a girl with more experience.

My Guard: Those snakes are hers I am just her assistant. But please tell me, what was it that made you feel that way

Expert: No, I can tell she has never held a snake before, you just hired her from a modeling agency I’m not stupid

My Guard: (Handing him one of my promo cards with snakes crawling all over me.) Here sir, you can see she’s not afraid and if you visit her site at you’ll see that….

Expert: (Walking away) Ya whatever…

 

This is another “I gave it to a zoo “ story. With every person I meet that tells me they gave it to a zoo you think you would see more of them at the zoo. There seems to be an abundance of 30 foot 300-pound pythons out there and I have yet to see one…Hmmmmm…

Expert: I use to own a rock python

Maria: (Even though he is in kicking distance I restrain myself) Wow, great.

Expert: Ya, he would go with me on Saturdays to the lake and I would let him out of my car and he would go swimming

Maria: Were you ever afraid to lose him?

Expert: No, I would just slap on the water and call him. He would come back to me.

Maria: (thinking no one will believe this, I need a witness) How interesting could you tell my assistant here about your Snake.

Expert: I had this python that I would take swimming at the lake I use to live by and it would come back when I called it and climb in the back seat of my car for the ride home like a dog. I could get him to stay in a seat belt too.

My Guard: That’s incredible

Expert: It was awesome, he would stick his head out the window like a dog on the drive home

Maria: (this is getting better. Here is a grown man in his 30’s and he thinks I believe this snake/doggie story) And he never got away?

Expert: Nope, I gave him to a zoo, he got to be 14 feet long and about 150 pounds. He out grew my aquarium and I wanted him to have a good home.

As I stand holding my albino corn snake…

Expert: Is that an albino? I have one just like that.

Maria: Yes it is, what did you name yours?

Expert: I didn’t, it got to be 15 feet long and I gave it away.

Maria: Sorry to hear you had to part with your pet but corn snakes do not grow to 15-foot lengths.

Expert: It’s an albino python.

Maria: Oh, you said you had one of these and this is a corn snake not a python.

Expert: No, you have an albino python.

Maria: No, this is an albino corn Snake.

Expert: I am a herpetologist and I know it’s a python because all albinos are pythons.

Maria: Albinism can affect any living creature not just pythons and, if your into herpetology (a name for reptile experts of sorts) then you would know any mammal can be an albino but reptiles are called “Amelanistic’ not albinos.

Expert: Your just being a bitch cause you know your wrong

Maria: (help me!)

 

As I hold my python

Expert: I had one of those but it died, when I got it was smaller than a cigarette.

Maria: You sure it was a python, they hatch at 10-14 inches, much bigger than a cigarette

Expert: No, it was a red tail boa.

Maria: Oh, this is a python, you said you had …

Expert: Boas are smaller.

Maria: I know that but you confused me when you said you had one of these and pointed to my python, this is not a boa.

Expert: Well, whatever you have mine was small.

Maria: But even red tail boas hatch at size much larger than a cigarette.

Expert: I got pictures on my desk at home, I can prove it.

Maria: Great! I would love to see a picture of your boa that was smaller than a cigarette.

Expert: I don’t have it with me.

Maria: I have been here for five years bring it by sometime.

Expert: I don’t live around here.

Maria: No problem, I’ll make you a deal, if you email it to me I will post it on my website for the world to see and even give you a free membership for all your kind efforts.

Expert: I may not be able to find it.

Maria: I thought you said it was on your desk at home.

Expert: I moved recently.

At this point I was convinced he was lying, I think he knew he was busted.

 

Expert: I used to have a python and corn snake but I gave the python away.

Maria: So you still have the corn snake?

Expert: No, the stupid python ate it.

Maria: How did that happen?

Expert: One day the corn was just gone.

Maria: What makes you think the python got to it?

Expert: It wasn't in the cage one morning.

Maria: How does that lead to the python getting in to eat it?

Expert: I kept them in the same cage.

 

Anyone remember Slash from Guns and Roses?

Well it seems he has lots of “really good” friends. Read these various meetings I have had…

Expert: Hey, my friend Slash has snakes, you want me to take you to see them sometime?

Expert; I gave Slash a bunch of his snakes he uses on tour…

Expert: I built Slash’s cages for his snakes (I was in California)

Expert: I made cages for Slash’s snakes (I was in Chicago)

Expert: I built all the cages that Slash has his snake in (Colorado this time)

Expert: I had a python that big once. I gave it to Slash, you know who he is?

Maria: Yes I know, I have met a lot of his friends who gave him snakes.

This can go on and on...